Zen and Sex.
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I've been reading a zen book to de-stress; more on that later.
The author talks about light and darkness. Light is a metaphor for the things we see with our intellect--the example he uses is a meal. We prepare separate dishes with separate techniques. Salad. Soup. Entree. That's light. Darkness is a metaphor for the source of all things. He explains this as the fact that food isn't food until we eat it, mix up all the separate ingredients and dishes into proteins, etc. That's darkness.
It's important to see the light in the darkness and the darkness in the light, because they aren't separate. They're parts of the same thing. It's important to understand things intellectually as well as beyond or before intellect.
So. It's important to see your lover as a separate person, but your lover is also you (and you are him). There are the techniques of sex, and then there is Sex.