The Little Old Lady Rules
(The logic here is that I have a little box in my brain marked "inappropriate." There's a little old lady in that box. She says things like this...and I think she'll get a little louder, the older I get.)
- All the chocolate is mine.
- All the good chocolate is really mine. I will share the rest, because I am the soul of magnaniminimininty.
- People are dumb, which is good, because otherwise I would run out of things to laugh at.
- I am always beautiful, witty, kind, and wonderful. I don't need you to tell me whether the dress looks good, I look fat, etc. I look good inthis dress, and I'm not fat.
- Any joke that shocks someone half my age is a good joke.
- Some babies are ugly. But you have to love them anyway.
- Some kids are brats. Smack 'em when their parents aren't looking.
- Never answer the phone. Or the door. If you do, anything you say to a telemarketer, politician, salesbobo, or religious zealot doesn'tcount in the afterlife.*
- It's time for your children to grow up.
- I don't care what you think. Unless you think you want to give me chocolate.
*Don't mess with the Girl Scouts.