Review.

Since this is what I've been doing for most of my free time this week, I'd better post one.

*A Short History of Nearly Everything
By Bill Bryson.

It's time to scrap our science textbooks. Not only are they wrong--and they know they're wrong--but they're bad. Electrons do not swirl around the nucleus of an atom like planets, but it'll take you until you're in college or the hands of a subversive high-school physics teacher to find out. Formulas considered too complex for a teenager to learn are dumbed down. Facts are left out, distorted, glossed over: theories are presented as laws, despite any contrary facts. Mostly what you learn from science classes until you hit college is to sit down and shut up.

It's an exciting time to learn science; the only problem is, you have to learn it in spite of your education.

Well, here you go. Bill Bryson won't tell you the real formulas, won't give you the true truth as concealed by highschool textbooks everywhere, but he will tell you how complex the situation is. And he'll put in the little, human details about scientific history that will make you laugh and shudder with how little we know, and how lucky we are to know what we do know.

I recommend this book to anyone who won't be angry about it, that is, the people who already know so much about science that this stuff will be old hat. Most of this stuff was old hat for me, but it was so well written and so well questioned that I enjoyed it anyway. Especially it seems like a good (if long!) idea for anyone in high school that's struggling with science. Why? They ask. Because, their teachers answer. Bill Bryson isn't a science writer--he mostly writes travel books--and makes things interesting and easy to grasp for the layman.

Gravity's Angel.

By Laurie Anderson.

...Well he was an ugly guy. With an ugly face.
An also ran in the human race.
And even God got sad just looking at him. And at his funeral
all his friends stood around looking sad. But they were really
thinking of all the ham and cheese sandwiches in the next room.
And everybody used to hang around him. And I know why.
They said: There but for the grace of the angels go I.
Why these mountains? Why this sky?...

...Why these mountains? Why this sky? This long road? This empty room?

(sample at Amazon.com)

Bleah.

Given that I've never installed a tile floor and there are probably practical reasons for this, still, bleah. I can't find M C Escher floor tiles anywhere.

Another Ray Story.

We took Ray to the mall last week because she was DRIVING US MAD. One of the you're-not-being-bad-it's-just-too-much-now-stop-it-stop-it-I-said-stop-it-now-go-to-your-room days. So we took her to the play area.

First, a note: the two other kids she was playing with ended up lying on the floor panting, too tired to play any more, while Ray danced around them and dared them to chase her some more, more, more.


For some reason, while they were playing hide and seek, the other two kids would hide in the same spot over and over again. Not much of a challenge, even for a preschooler.

Ray walked by their hiding spot. "Where are you? Where are you?"

"In here! In here!" they giggled.

Ray walked backwards past them. "I can't find yoooo-ooooou...where are you?"

"Come here! Come find us!"

She walked by them again. "Where are yooooooooou?"

Then she clambered over their hiding spot and waited.

"Where is she? Where are you? We're in heeeeee-eeeeere!"

Ray jumped down in front of them: "Boo!"

"Aaaaauuuugh!"

When we took her home, she still wasn't all that tired.

I got a present for you...!

On occaision, especially before asking for reciprocation, Ray will bring me gifts.

"Momma, I got a present for yooo-ooooou!"

"What is it?" I'll ask.

And she'll give me something, like a doll or a truck or a DVD. Today it started out with a picture of a head. No eyes or anything, just a head with a red spot in the middle.

"It's beautiful! Is it a head?"

"And a brain." She points to the center of her head. "For thinking."

"That's wonderful! Thank you!"

Then she brings me a glass with the dregs of her milk. I thank her and tell her she can keep it.

"Momma! I got a present for you!"

"What is it?"

"Rachael!"

And then she gives me an enormous hug.

What a wonderful girl.

Captain 11.

"Wave one hand. Wave both hands. Wave both hands and one foot. Wave both hands and both feet!"

Dave Dedrick, Captain 11, was the first voice heard on television in South Dakota, in 1953. He worked as a news announcer, weatherman, and host of a children's show, "Captain 11!"

You can't hear the echoes in my head, so you'll have to imagine them.

The show would start with the following mantra: "One man in each century is given the power to control time. The man chosen to receive this power is carefully selected. He must be kind. He must be fair. He must be brave. You have fulfilled these requirements; and, we of the Outer Galaxies designate to you the wisdom of Solomon and the strength of Atlas. YOU are CAPTAIN 11!"

4 o'clock would find me, my brother, and at least a pint of Schwann's ice cream in front of the TV every weekday. Captain 11 ran from 1955 to 1996. And no, Dave Dedrick isn't dead, as far as I know. I was just thinking.

For more information...

Bittersweet.

Here is the story of my boss's adoption trip to the Ukraine.

He and his wife adopted two children, a boy and a girl, two years ago, and decided to return for two of the girl's friends this year. They left just after the recent re-election in Ukraine.

They're returning with one of the girls, Leeza, and her brother Zhenya -- and leaving the other girl, Katya, behind because of a paperwork issue. They're going to return for Katya as soon as they can. They have to wait a year.

There have been days when I'd read the updates and cheer -- and days when I'd sit in front of the computer at work and try not to cry.

Last week we were telling Leeza and Katya that we wanted to adopt them, but that we had some paperwork problems and Katya couldn't come home with us now and it would have to be later. Katya became upset and Leeza said to Katya " you go, I will stay". This is coming from a girl that wants a family more than breath. They are too good.

Leeza is now like the kid in the back seat on the way to Disneyland that keeps saying, "are we there yet?" She wants to know when we are going to America. It is really hard to be excited for Leeza and so depressed about Katya at the same time. Katya is doing much better than we are. She has a Mama and Papa now and she can't hide her excitement about that, although we are sure there is some fear inside her that we won't come back. Living your life without a family, and especially a Mom or Dad would probably create doubt like that no matter what we did. Zhenya has his own profile on Papa's windows XP on the family laptop now and you would think that he just won the lottery. The techie Papa has already learned some things about his computer that he never knew before. Zhenya is still attending his Physics and Math classes at the University this weekend despite knowing he is going to America in a week. He is one driven kid. He said that it doesn't matter if he is leaving in a week. He says Physics and Mathematics are the same in Ukraine and America. He could skip the class and play with Papa's laptop all day, but he would rather take a bus across town and sit in a class. We are so proud :)

The Five Irregular Men.

My cousin Heather taught me this song. Her parents gave her THE LOOK and said it was INAPPROPRIATE.

CHORUS: *

There were five, five constipated men in the Bible, in the Bible.
There were five, five constipated men In the holy books of Moses.

Oh, the first, first constipated man Was Cain, he was not able.
Oh, the first, first constipated man Was Cain, he was not able.

Oh, the next, next constipated man Was Moses, he took two tablets.
Oh, the next, next constipated man Was Moses, he took two tablets.

Oh, the third, third constipated man Was Solomon, he sat for forty years.
Oh, the third, third constipated man Was Solomon, he sat for forty years.

Oh, the fourth, fourth constipated man Was Balam, he couldn't move his ass.
Oh, the fourth, fourth constipated man Was Balam, he couldn't move his ass.

Oh, the last, last constipated man
Was Sampson, he brought the house down...

via ScoutsCan.Com.

Victory!

I have completed Ulysses, by James Joyce.

Dude.

Plot: A day in the life of Leopold Bloom, in such detail as to make you realize -- with as many things that he must have done, said, or thought, or things that affected his actions, thoughts, or words, in addition to the material included in the nearly 1000-page book -- as to make one realize that every day is just as much a miraculous journey as Ulysses's original fictional voyage.

Opinion: As literature, bemusing but amazing. The more I understand the more I'm impressed. It's more than something to read, it's an experience (some might say TORTURE and they wouldn't be half wrong). I might read it again if I ever find an annotated version, just to find out what U.P.: UP means.

Caveat: I didn't get most of it. Took me much longer than 24 hours of reading time.

Da Law.

I happened to look up Murphy's Law the other day. Interesting stuff. Here's the origin of Murphy's Laws:

[Murphy's Law] was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Project MX981, designed to see how much sudden deceleration a person can stand in a crash.

This website has a complete listing of Murphy's Laws. My favorite is #6:

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

And... if you scroll down the site, you will find other laws. For example:

Allen's Axiom
When all else fails, follow instructions.

Barrett's Laws of Driving:
You can get ANYWHERE in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
This lane ends in 500 feet.

Cohn's Law:
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Fett's Law of the Lab:
Never replicate a successful experiment.

Ginsberg's Theorem (Generalized Laws of Thermodynamics):
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.

Herblock's Law:
If it's good, they'll stop making it.
***The Testerman Corollary: ...but not until after you've started watching the first season.

Issawi's Law of Frustration:
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.

Laura's Law
No child throws up in the bathroom.

Lawyer's Rule
When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.

Martha's Maxim (and see Olum's Observation and Farrow's Finding):
If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower.

Margaret Mead's Law of Human Migration:
At least fifty percent of the human race doesn't want their mother-in-law within walking distance.

Ozian Option:
I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.

Let me try some:

If the milk has gone bad, someone will ask you to taste it to make sure.

Rules of Colorado Driving:
1. It's always a good time to change lanes.
1a. Use as many lanes as necessary.
2. It's not running a red light if you gun your engine first.
3. If one lane is full of cars and the other is empty, take the full one.
3a. See Rule 1.